I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
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