I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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