My Higher Power is John Stamos
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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