how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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