I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
