I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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