Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
