Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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