How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
