she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
