Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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