I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
