by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
