New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
