I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
