it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
