woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
