There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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