here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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