phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
