Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
