So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize