it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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