I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
