my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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