I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
