I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
