You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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