I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize