end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
