I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
