i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
