Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
