You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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