she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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