at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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