Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
