I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
