my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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