dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
