Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
