So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
