her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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