just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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