not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize