Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
