I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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