you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
