and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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