I think my fart just growled at me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
