why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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