there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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