I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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