Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
