you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
