no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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