I can tuck mytits in my pants
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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